back in the USA
I’ve been home officially for a week now, already Malaysia has begun to feel like a dream. How is it that every experience in life feels like this to me? It makes me want to appreciate living in the moments more fully. The other day I was crying to Matt because I was so afraid I was going to lose who I had become in Malaysia. In Malaysia I wasn’t the same person I use to be. I appreciated life more, my relationship with Matt and Stockton grew and become something so special. I learned to become more confident and self reliant so coming home has been a process for me. When living in another country you go into, what I like to call, survival mode. You do everything you can to get through the day, focus the positive and constantly push yourself outside your comfort zone. Everyday is a surprise of what its going to happen next. So, when I came home I still wanted to find myself pushing to be a better me, but life here in the USA is so different than the grand picture I had been painting in my mind for the past 10 months. Let me expand…
I had this grand picture of the how wonderful life would be once I got into the states, and it has been amazing, don’t get me wrong. However, towards the end of Malaysia I started thinking life was just going to be completely perfect. My standard was high, perhaps too high. Coming home I realized people still have challenges here. Yes, I could eat all the crappy American food I want to, but in the end that doesn’t really make me happy? I automatically felt the pressure to wear more makeup, get dressed up, and act a certain way for people to accept me. In Malaysia I let my hair dry naturally, wore little makeup, and didn’t care what others thought of me. Why is it, as women, that we feel the urge to go out of our way for others. Why can’t we just focus on loving more fully and developing stronger relationships. It’s not about what we have, things will come and go, but rather about who we have.
Towards the beginning of my adventure in Malaysia I was posting pictures like crazy of the things we were doing and of the places that we were going. As grand of an adventure that was, it was not the most meaningful experience of living in Malaysia. Towards the end I started to change and post more pictures of the people. It’s the people that I loved that mattered.
Sometimes we look at social media we see a face we’ve never met before and to us there life is perfect. I hope no one ever thinks that of me. In Malaysia I used social media as an outlet to focus as much on the positive. Looking at the positive out there was all I had to hold onto. Trust me I had my moments of sadness and breakdowns. I believe that those moments were just as beautiful as the best moments. It’s okay to feel broken down and beaten up with certain situations. In fact, many times that is how I feel as being a mother. However, the broken moments should be as beautiful as the good moments because without them there would be no beautiful moments in the world. Maybe this is just me rambling on a little too much. It’s just I have had so many mixed emotions of being here in the States i’m happy but I’m sad. In fact, I just told my mother-in-law it’s a sick kind of love.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that we are all flawed but that’s what makes Christ role so important in our lives. I’m thankful for my flaws and imperfections because I know that through Jesus Christ I can become better. He has picked up my broken pieces so many times and helped put me back together. Perhaps I will always be a broken puzzle, but through him I can always find my missing pieces again.